Sunday, 25th June 2017

15:30PM, Javaplein

I haven’t written my personal thoughts down in a while.

So far it has been a month and a half here, and I wish time would slow down. I love this city, so much so that sometimes I am at a loss at what to do, to feel ‘productive’ yet not forced nor overly ambitious. I know I should just slow down and appreciate each day as it comes, as I am extremely grateful to have come this far. I wish for more things to happen, but I know that they have been happening right under my nose; I have done many things thus far. It is just my urge for things to MOVE, is at times too strong that I end up feeling restless.

I don’t know if this makes sense. I can’t help but worry that this trip ends at some point due to the Nov/Dec period where things slow down, and then I’m back in Singapore and to the whole feeling that I am not in the right place again. How I wish my efforts would return quicker – both progress-wise and financially, so that things can stabilise, but I know this isn’t how it works. A lot of pressure is put on myself to ‘think of the next step’ and ‘future’, but the fact is that I can’t foresee the fucking future. A lot of things on this path feels like a new page every time. I don’t know what the next page brings.

At the end of the day, when I catch myself being influenced from unhelpful and negative thoughts or sources, I try to put a stop to it. I realise that I am blessed to be able to do what I love, despite the constant challenges. After all, don’t we only live fucking once? I know what ticks me creatively and keeps me going, and I know I can keep going as long as I don’t stop.